Kaefullness

Are you kidding me smeared eyeliner again choked, muffled sobs again asking why does this happen again and again and again and again I'm sick of dropping pills down my throat like pennies in a fountain they fall and splash and sink and no wish ever comes true I sit across from the GP again and I tell my story again and I ask why it's happening again and again and again and again The printer whirrs green paper, doctor's signature a smile that thinks it's comfort pop this next door and call if you need us again It's a little joke we share that use of the word 'if' but I'm tired of the punchline and I smile anyway the doorhandle feels heavy yeah, thank you for your help, again

I'm rubbing my eyes through cloth a veil over what I used to call happy what used to pass for participation in life I can't see past it and I don't want to I've walked blindfolded so long every trip over the cracked pavement feels like dancing feels like if I catch myself again then what else do I need? The thought of flowers on a grave seems like a caught wedding bouquet seems like a promise of something better just waiting in the dark They ask how things are - like friends do and there's answers knocking on my teeth closed like a trap I will never let them out of I'm fine, I say, just tired, you know You know, you know, and they do they know what this is like so why would I make them live here with me when they moved years ago to greener pastures My daughter has my eyes and I pray to a god I don't believe in that she didn't also get the veil that she can see the sun shining and won't look into the dark I pray I'll be there to lift her over the cracks

There is a well in me I used to visit I could draw deep could rest my face in overflowing hands. I would spill the contents cascade the letters into the lines a thundering waterfall for visitors, for me I would slake my thirst. Lately oh lately my throat is burning and cracking and I scream into that well and I'm answered by emptiness repeating emptiness repeating back back back the walls so dry even the sound cracks. I drop pennies by the handful into my well I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish-